Picture This and That. Knick Knacks for Snaps

Leica D-Lux 3

Lomo LCA+

The White Stripes “MEG” edition Diana+
Ricoh GR Digital
Leica Edition MP 3 LHSA

A few weeks ago I directed a friend of mine to my website so she could check out pictures. I talked to her afterwards and asked her what she thought. “It looks great!” she said, and then added, “you sure have a lot of pictures!"

“Yes, I do,” I had to admit sheepishly. And then when she asked where I got all those pictures of me I had to admit that I in fact took most of them myself.

I really can’t count the number of times I’ve had a conversation similar to that one since I’ve started directing friends to my website. And every time I wonder… should I be ashamed of my self portraits? And I’ve decided that the answer really lies in what my motivation is. Is it merely vanity and self-gratification that drives me to put these pictures of myself on the internet? No, I don’t think it is—but I can’t ignore the vanity that lies behind this whole endeavour: the blog, flickr, everything.

It would be so easy to gloss over my vanity—to give it a nice label like “healthy self esteem*” and move on, satisified with my ability to explain myself. But if I am perfectly honest with myself, I can’t ignore the jealous, prideful vanity that sits like a warty toad at the bottom of my heart. Because that’s exactly what it is: black, festering, scabby, sinful, ugly VANITY that, but for God’s grace, would probably crawl out of my chest and swallow my life whole. And it’s this vortex of vanity that makes me yearn for recognition from other people… that motivates me to put pictures and stories on the internet that will gain me that recognition. It’s what leads to putting other people down to raise myself up. Even self-deprecation is another form of vanity (what a paradox).

And, if you are honest with yourself, you will find this vanity in yourself too.

So, in the light of this regrettable truth about human nature, is it possible to justify self-portraits? Blogs in general? I honestly don’t know. Maybe not.

But I said that I don’t think it’s merely vanity that motivates my self portraits. And I meant it—whatever vanity may be motivating my photography, there are equal parts desire for creativity also motivating it. I can tell you that when I did the photoshoot of myself, I really was not thinking like a typically vain girl (although I admit to thinking that way for many of my pictures). I was thinking like a photographer—trying to portray my subject in the most flattering light and catch the best expressions.

Is that vanity? Maybe. It could be. But if it is, it is vain in the same way that taking a portrait of any other person would be vain. Of course, perhaps the desire for creativity is ultimately rooted in vanity anyway. But that is a much stickier, more complicated question than I intended to get into tonight.

So I guess I don’t have much of a conclusion—this is not a closed book in my mind. I am interested in others’ thoughts on this subject. Feel free to say “you should get rid of all those pictures of you” if that is really what you think. But be prepared to back up your argument.

* I think there really is such a thing as “healthy self esteem,” but it’s so thinly seperated from vanity that I would not trust myself as a sinner to draw that line.