Let’s be frank, if you’re a prude/family member/ex-boyfriend/future shag/avid churchgoer, either avoid reading this or let it be your ONE very guilty indulgence (which means no more masturbation).

predictable porn made by men, according to Erika Lust:

"Among other things, I decided to begin to produce a different kind of porn because I was fed up with the clichés that the porn producers (MEN) want to make us believe in:

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Every man has at least one litre sperm when he comes.

6. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

7. Young beautiful women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding fine.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. Those tits are real.

12. Double penetration makes women smile.

13. Asian men don't exist.

14. Neither man with small cocks.

15. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

16. There's a plot.

17. All women love slaps on their butts.

18. Nurses suck patients’ cocks.

19. Men always pull out.

20. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

21. Women never have headaches... or periods.

22. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

23. Assholes are clean and yummy.

24. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

25. And finally… Men never have to beg because a woman always wants to."

Call me Dutch but I find watching porn to be a healthy activity, if not for stimulation’s sake then for education’s. However, I think my days of avid porn consumption are more or less over. But I just don’t think there has been anything particularly groundbreaking in mainstream porn for the past decade. It’s sad. It’s no wonder we’re so repressed, we have nothing good to wank off to. Surely the industry could benefit from a little branding. A few more Tarantino camera angles perhaps. Or something hip and stylized, like a little film-noir fucking.

For me, porn has lost its fantasy aspect. It does not make me horny. It’s just a lot more fun to watch a real-life couple fuck in the bed next to me. Or to find opportunities to create porn wherever one goes – in the bathroom mirror, in an empty stairwell, on a spare pool table, with a complete stranger(s) etc.

I advise you to read the following list with caution though – I don’t want to ruin an otherwise happy relationship you may have with the medium.

1. Real-life pussies are not porn-star pussies. Real women do not get off from tugging and pulling at their clits like rubber bands, or smacking their patches with repressed violence. Someone tell these porn directors that it’s social responsibility to show a little finesse.
2. Nobody in their right mind puts a vibrating dildo in their mouths unless they want to see a dentist.
3. Sweat is sexy. And an endorphin-induced flush is unbelievably erotic. But fucking vigorously for an hour under a spotlight with not a hint of moisture appearing on your fully-powdered face is well, weird.
4. Women cum too. It’s possible. National Geographic says so.
5. Very few women can allow 9 inch cocks into their oesaphaguses without gagging. It’s false advertising. If you happen to meet someone who can do that in real-life, ask to see her credentials. She’s a professional.
6. Besides that…the rampant ass-fucking, the military positions, the wedding-cake cum on the face, the professional spanking, the Brazilian-waxed cocks, the glass dildos…all of that agrees with me. And these enjoyments aren’t too far removed from real-life either. Sometimes it’s nice to know that porn can have its bright spots of integrity.